Since 2008
When I was a kid my favorite thing to do when I came home from school was watch Match Game (MG), a popular game show in the 1970s. The goal was to match as many of the celebrities and then go on to possibly winning $5000 (a HUGE amount back then). There were two players and six celebrities, and the “match” was an answer to questions such as…
For example, for the first question above, a player could say “pull” and hope six – or at least one – guest said the same. Quite a few of the questions had sexual innuendo, off-color accents and the word “boobs.” The show would not last 30 seconds today but was considered just silly back then.
(As a side note, the show was extremely diverse for the 70s. Black, Asian and immigrants were often contestants and guests.)
As an elementary school kid, I couldn’t figure out answers to most questions and didn’t understand why everyone laughed harder at the “not-pc” questions. But the panel always acted silly. I laughed because they laughed. And I laughed the most at one of the regular players – Charles Nelson Reilly.
Reilly (or CNR) was an actor, comedian, director, and drama teacher. He was gay and there were often subtle references to it on MG. He had a wonderful sense of humor, and an interesting voice. I can’t explain it, you’ll have to listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KcozXnJ9wA. When I would hear it, I would always smile, a true “that makes me happy” smile.
Let’s put MG on the side for a moment. Although I had long-lasting jobs and made good salaries, there was always something lingering in my head that wasn’t right. It started after a traumatizing incident I had when I was 16 and it kept growing. Most of the time I was able to keep it hidden, so very few people noticed. I attempted suicide the first time shortly after the incident, and again years later, after the company I worked for closed and I was left unemployed.
Shortly after the second attempt, I got a new job and, though the struggle hadn’t stopped, my mind was at least occupied with work and a long commute. And when the annual depression screening was happening at a local hospital, something made me go; in the past, I’d start the drive there and would then around. I was diagnosed with depression and a host of anxieties; I started therapy one month later and am still with the same therapist.
On to the point of this blog, the connection between MG and my mental health. The depression stopped being the focal point of my life, but occasionally, something would trigger it. One of those triggers was a serious car accident in 2019. I was in rehab for three months but overall it was a positive experience, especially seeing MG on TV! I hadn’t seen it in YEARS, a real pick-me-up during a difficult time. And, as he had many years earlier, CNR made me laugh.
I not only had CNR, my therapist and Beau, his furry pal, would visit me in rehab, I had a room with a view of the Hudson River, 90% of the staff was great and the food wasn’t bad (surprise!). Although the thoughts of being unemployed again, not having a car, and possible insurance problems were scary, I was in a good mood most of the time. Then, after I was discharged, I stayed with the parents for two months. I always had problems with my parents. They were loving and I was raised in a happy environment but there was a lot pressure on me to do what they wanted me to do in my life: career, home, relationships. My depression came back and made those two months miserable. I felt free when I finally got back home. I was thrilled to see my cable company now offered two game channels, both having MG. Watching it made me smile, much-needed smiles, and let me forget about my challenges.
On December 23, 2019, I was packing an overnight bag for a two-night stay at my parents for Christmas. I had MG on, listening to the innuendo and laughter. While putting my meds in the bag I suddenly thought, “I should take all of these and end this agony.” I take several meds for epilepsy, diabetes, and depression so there were more than enough to do the job. I sat on the bed, organizing the pills to make sure I didn’t miss any. I started crying, trying to think of a reason not to kill myself and couldn’t think of any. The previous year was bad, the upcoming year would be just as difficult (and that was before the coronavirus showed itself). I had been in this situation two times before in my life, and I didn’t want to deal with it again. I got a cup of coffee to take the pills, sat on the bed, and then heard a laugh. A very distinctive laugh. CNR’s laugh.
He wasn’t talking to me; he was playing MG. But he was giving an answer with his typical silliness, causing everyone on the panel and in the studio to burst out laughing. I don’t know what he said but the important thing was I heard him say it. And the darkness suddenly lifted. I put the pills back in their bottles and put them in my bag. I left MG on (it was a marathon) and spent a few hours trying to come up with silly answers to silly questions. It brought a bit of calm and quiet.
When I returned to therapy in January, I told my therapist about CNR. He said it isn’t unusual at all, that people hear a song, a movie, any kind of audio that brings them back from a dangerous place. Though he admitted never hearing the hero was CNR, and he smiled.
So, the winning answer to the question in the title is:
Kipper was feeling so down, it took Charles Nelson Reilly to lift her back up.
September is Suicide Prevention Month. The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals. If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States. You can call 988 or chat.
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